Smooth Criminals.

Ok,word on the street updates, this time let's make it a little longer, two or three words, statement or sentence I suppose. I borrowed the queen's language so you tell me what we call this;Hardworking boys.

Sounds admirable,but never you know the devil in disguise and nothing exemplify it better than the meme; Let me get home early so that your hardworking boyfriend doesn't work. Lots of stories doing rounds on social media and the crazy one of late is the "pi-shawties " adding some spices to drinks in clubs and locals then "work hard" on you followed by a dramatic reporting by the DCI social media handler. For a minute, it's downplaying crime but then we all agree it's hilarious, like for real, who calls a bomb "koroboshta" in this 21st century? Dj Afro Amigos, yeah, shameless audacity but man this guy if you've ever heard a chance to walk with him one on one(as he says, ayah basi tweed Moja Kwa Moja Hadi India?). He makes going places in this world very interesting, leave alone how he made me learn Hindu, like did you know 'vavarai' means hello bro, so next time you see Patel shake your head sideways and say vavaria morning, pay rise ensured.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through the mind of the handler whenever making those tweets, all in all,l it's a gift to see the humour in dark times, not dark humour precisely. Now we have a new breed or should a say refurbished, rebranded notorious gangs in town, yeah those dirty crazy looking low-level criminals stuck in old traditional thuggery techniques with all this smart crime in a play. If you've never been in an encounter with them, their tales always seem fascinating though sometimes they get out of hand and cause injury. Apologies if you feel offended thinking my perception is crap, sorry for what you went through. life goes in btw!
So I finally got Mike to tell me about how he lost his phone in Eldoret some years back when he used to be sober at least 24/24 hours and losing something  to scammers  seemed quite absurd. He'd be like;
"Who loses his phone on a sound mind, how does your mind let somebody into your pockets without even noticing a slight shift in weight, a smooth touch."
Yeah, that was Mike, flossing his Huawei y9 mum had bought him after failing short  to prove he was smarter than the examiners in KCPE by 120marks, quite a smart guy back then,I can't say much now. Looks do speak, so I'll judge the book by the cover! Years down, Mike is into beer like shit, he calls it  "liquid carbs" arguing that beer has zero alcohol content while covering the "18+ Warning, do not sell to a person's under the age", he has a huge thumb, like it has a surface of its own, another palm, he can hold on to lots of stuff and for long like this story we've been struggling to get out of him. 

I gave him a six-pack tusker beer, I keep some at my place to get control of moments like this, I usually feel so powerful when the liquor generation warrior are begging for a can or shot of black label or j.daniels on my shelf and am like I can't give you something I don't use.  For aesthetics, it looks cute right. Today I was quite generous. Feel free to empty them all bro, drink like a Viking just from capturing England hard on celebrations in Kattegat, I've had them for a long and sure they soon hitting their mortal stage. A few cans into it and my man started being overly excited and by now he was trying to get my attention, I was busy, yeah on Twitter of course.
What do you think about stevo simple boy new amapiano track?its been trending for two days now, leave a comment below.
Now my boy was on cloud 8 and stories flowing like regrets and he mentioned that he needed a new phone and I knew this was my golden calf, no opportunity, hahaha to get the real thing(insert Malema's voice)out of him. All those years, almost 10  trying to get the real thing when the Mama's boy walked back home confused like a warthog and sweaty, and as I can remember he didn't eat for like 2hours straight, yeah he was quite foodious  back then, we only got;
I think I dropped it on the matatu. 

Of course, none of us bought that crap and more interesting is mum never even bothered to inquire deeply as she did with sugar crises, she'd be like, open your mouth wide, tongue out then a slap from the left Pap! And you'd feel ndiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii for a week, then go for that sweet says again, the cycle continues.
So man, what happened to you Y9, you loved that phone I used to think you'll forever live to get the same model all your life. I was determined this time to get the whole story, raw and uncensored yeah, zero parental advisories.
He burst out with a little full of shame laugh and disappointment, I bet his boastfulness of how losing a phone was insane got the throat of him and being a victim wasn't as cool as he thought. I could see he was determined to let it all out this time and I dropped that Go Pato!

You know we are grown-ups now and no one gonna whoop your ass, btw don't you think men also should have some little nyash, we are not creators but, just saying like 'ass-thetic, no homo and shouldn't be for rugby buddies alone.
Man f**k!
He begun. I wish I could describe the smile, how my face lighted up to the extremist.

So that day am walking past the police station, the one opposite bus station on your way to the crass interchange to a national bank, I'm sure you know the place. deep in my music as usual. I don't know from what hole, let me say heaven as it seemed that moment, or I was the one lost in my musical spirit. So the first thing I see is this guy picking up a wallet full of cash, like a wallet in cash, that's the right way to put it acting like someone had dropped it and I imagined I was the only one who had seen him pick it, so he was like signalling me not to cause a scene. Man, you should have seen checking to ensure no one else had seen us, Damn, I don't know why I'm telling you this.
You know those midlife (story) crises when now recounting moments seem even much crazier than living them. yeah, he was deep in it.

I feel like the stupidest of all times, like a GOAT, but of the dumbest.
Relax man, there are worse!

So the guys quickly signal me to relax, of course, this was cash, I had to, easy quick smooth money, none of those questions 64-70 on CRE/social studies paper popped up, we all know we answered for the marks but the truth is, I faced the truth that day, it's not only gold that glitters and he got me. So we are walking with a guy and he's like struggling to hide the cash, let's call it cash, not a wallet and he suggested we put it in my backpack, which seemed reasonable to me. My mind was on flight mode and all I was thinking is getting a secure sport we split the cash, so I quickly gave him my bag, he and he offered to carry it so that we walk quickly for real you have to be bitten at least once to know the difference between poisonous and non-poisonous.

Btw poisonous is triangular-shaped, non-poisonous
is round Ed, head.

To make matters even more interesting, I don't know how he managed to convince me to put my phone in the backpack, but I think he mentioned something like wanting to call his cab buddy to pick him up, not sure, then I gave him my phone. So we are walking down Edlo-Mat road and a guy approaches us, with a sorrowful face, like just from sleeping, like most of you seem, this was worse though. He asked if we'd seen a brown wallet he had dropped it he didn't know where. Exactly the description of the wallet in the money, this is like 500m in a different direction from where the staging had occurred, at least now I can say, back then was where we had picked the wallet. I still couldn't put together these pieces, for real when it's the monkey's day to die, all trees are slippery.
In the midst of this, my lucky buddy handed back my backpack and he was now very defensive driving some heavy bad words on this poor victim of our success and the "good in me" started taking over, I was feeling sorry for this guy, he was like dropping some waters from his sockets and I was in a mix, should I just give him back and walk away to live happily ever after broke but happy.
I don't know how my buddy disappeared because in some split second to turn back and he was gone, but then I relaxed for I had the money in the bag, as I thought and no idea of my phone whatsoever run across my mind. Things got interesting, my sorrowful new torturer had also disappeared, holy son of a carpenter. Have you ever felt your body Kelvin's shoot to the peak, hair erect even on your chin?
Hahaha, look at you naughty boy!
I checked my backpack, no phone no money. my world was suddenly dark and collapsing bro. I felt dizzy as I tried to look around though I knew I've been fucked and I was w*t enough to enjoy it. I still don't know how I managed to walk back home, yeah route 11 from Tao my guy for the first time. Life is interesting, but still, fuck life man. Anyway, I have my scar, and no plans of ever getting a new one, at least not out of greed.
Do you know of pi-shawties from your locals? Are there ladies putting drugs on guys' drinks then letter robbing them down to their boxers? I chipped in for closure, killing the awkwardness.

By the way, he carried the remaining 2cans with him, he left a few minutes after catching his breath from storytelling. I was down in tears, hard laughter I remember some pains in my belly and struggling to breathe, it was really funny and how sweet my laughter was pissed him off and he left, I'm still on some little remaining ones as I craft this. let me put ka-young one, hahaha!
I call them the hardworking boys in a city of champions, what else other than winning do you expect from them. These are smooth smart criminals. Get you high on the skies then drop you like an eagle dealing with a stubborn snake and as Kaligraph would say;
"Nakushow Sisi ndo machampez"
With these tough times, less employed guys, lazy fellas looking for easy way are on the rise, and moving from traditional muscle power 'thieving' to smooth brainy techniques be on the watch, Avoid dark corners or walking alone in the dark or secluded scary places, they prey on your fears and ignorance and fat pockets. Watch out for pishawtys in your locals. All in all, let your conscious guide you when you come across some chums on the street lying helplessly.