Gruelling Recovery.

Kiko I'm hurting.

 Kiko I'm not in love with him, there’s no him, that I'm talking to lots of guys, there are no guys I'm talking to worth telling, just putting on, but it's too much, I can't control it anymore. Kiko as soon as food on a plate is finished, the state of the plate changes to dirty, No, not with you.

 I still want to go for more rounds, for the sweet taste of your pouty lips, get lost in your embrace in which I'm lighter than air, I have memories of times we haven't spent from days to come as I'm falling into the abyss, grappling through the chaos of self-doubt and insecurities, searching in the unknowns just to find you.

 Kiko you the rancour to my soul, served through a plate that I'm not ready to see as dirty, I want to feel whole again. I'm hopelessly drunk today, I might even pop a pill to slide the pain away, where will I be without your tender care, your toxic love, addictive touch, what’s going to feel better than your majestic meat, your rhythmic thrust, as your fingers trot through my back, missionaries but you spreading my shanks for a gospel of ins and outs, an exorcism, moaning my demons out. 

Kiko, should I hate when someone says your name? No, I'm constantly checking on you to find more information that maybe you hurting too. I want to know the truth but I don't even know what truth is. Should I move on or try to win you back?

I'm drowning myself just to win you back, Kiko you can see my pain, I’m crazy perhaps too naive, but this I just love. It’s only a fish that its hard to tell when it's sobbing for it's in water. Can you be mine once more maybe for life Kiko? I'm voracious, our dog misses you, maybe it doesn't and I just want it to be a way to converse with you, you care for him,  but how selfish can you be not even to check on him, you can have him for the weekend, maybe have us both, for closure. I'm breaking Kiko, it's too much. You break me with each cold reply I get, a quick stare into my pity face, a brief hug, and the quick answers I get from you, what is; Yes, No, Ok? 

I bumbled, I called your best friend the other night, I couldn't take it, neither call you, I was drunk, he doesn't like phone calls, his dislike for me is even worse, but I did it anyway, way past midnight just to talk to him about you with hopes that he'll talk, I hope he did, and you are reconsidering. I just want to feel whole again. 

I wonder where I lost my way. But you know he's gentle, caring, he listens and honest, maybe he's even more cannibal with chewing the steak, hard on the strokes with angelic meat Was this my undoing, always thinking of others as way better than you, oooh Kiko, I was just asking for more from you. No one is better than you, without you, there's no one. Can we start over? I've learned how to appreciate you by losing you, should I hurt until I set you free with time not to be happy because am too busy being strong? Kiko, I need you back.

You stormed into my life and I rushed to dress up my wounds, now all through this, pieces of me have been falling off, bleeding constantly but I still smile because every time I cry, I lose an extra piece. You said you'll never leave but maybe it's only because you didn't know in the end there will be anything left of me to stay with. You gave me purpose, along with light to see again, now you've taken it away, I just want to feel whole again Kiko.

I'm sorry about my drunk call to your best friend Bob the other night. I wish I was ever as sure with you in my life as I am about his dislike for me, to my surprise he did listen so you know even though all he did was give half-hearted replies, he gave the drunk my air time and I'm surprised he knew not so much about us. I walked him through it all.

 How we met at my friend's room in those filthy KU hostels, and immediately couldn't help myself but let my damaged and still fragile self into your arms, that you were still healing too, so you said or wasn't sure if the one you were eying was into to you also. No, the truth is you lied and I broke the day I saw you with her, as you introduced her to me. I celebrated your earth-day with sorrow and disappointment for on that day that you were born, a never-ending rain started, with hailstones, striking hard but then I pick them up to cool the injured parts, then sip it down as it melts, a toxic cycle of hitting and healing then sweetness in quenching with the cold stream. With the rain, I thought life would thrive, perhaps I was too naive and ignored that the stones won't give room for that, and with every strike, they crush down any form of life that tries to sprout.

About how I shifted my whole life just to be close to you, how I struggle to fit in with your circle with my four or so steps higher than most, and, how it has been hard for them to be at peace with tilting their heads to look up, maybe it killed you too, made you feel held against your will, a heavier load tied to your head and hanged on your back, fixing your head alert, face looking up. oooh Kiko, it's the heart, not the position. Or was it with my already eye in the next generation that scared you away, an eye that loved you, and wanted you to be part of it as it soared through this life? Maybe I was selfish Kiko, but you gave me purpose despite the warnings from the eyes that saw me into this life that in your land I’ll always be a trophy, one just worth exhibiting but will never hold something reasonable, even not to drink from.

 I thought I knew better now I'm here desperately I need to show them that they were wrong, but where are you Kiko, what will I show them, a broken soul, hopelessly drunk, a soul sinking deep day by day into a mountain of agonizing altitude as my breathing becomes harder as I rest on lives by the side, numbing them down with my weight, it’s not fair Kiko, all just to show you that I can keep up and climb, sinking higher. There are no lives by the side, all illusions just to keep you troubled, get your attention maybe show you that I can try harder so you lend a hand, but where are you Kiko? Does she make you happy, worth turning your soul cold on me?

You know how proud I felt about you by my side, how I got lost in your shadow, how I trembled at your masculine presence, not with fear, but urge to have you in or on me, to feel you tickle, tease me then later challenge my faulty thinking how you made me realize that perhaps I was genuinely stupid but you also reminded me how admirable intellectually I was as you sort for my thought input at times, Ooh Kiko, you were too good to be true. I dreamed a future together, have our little minions with my complexion of course then you frame, house on a farm far way from the city, later they'll make the village elder. Look at me now Kiko, should I even live again?

About how every single night I spent at your place I never dreamt of the mornings. Just to be with you for I knew with the first light you'll be doused into your world, something admirable about you, how when you fix your head into something, regardless of the head you must see it through and with the best of outcomes from heavenly touches of true devotion and I always looked forward to being with you sometimes even daytime for junk food on the streets on our way to your place, into your arms. Now I'm breaking, and street foods without you or presence of you I'm my life taste just like streets, filthy streets, finding it harder to push my new adventures in the activities world, Oooh, Kiko.

But Kiko, sometimes you don't realize how fucked up you are or what you were put through until when you are explaining it to someone else and I couldn't hide it, I broke and laid it all on him. He did hang up, maybe blocked me, I no longer see his askew sense of humour posts, not even his profile, but I understand. I couldn't help as it struck me, what the fuck, no offence to myself but what the fuck am I doing crying over you Kiko, dousing myself over you, who the heck do you think you are? why think you are irreplaceable and special, just a dog like the rest, go to hell. But you know hot water never chars a cloth. The heat faded away, my broken self in form of cloth still intact, just the face damaged, hangover, fading heartbeat, oooh Kiko.

What day is it Kiko, ooh, Wednesday how ironic, shouldn’t it be Woman Crush Wednesday, not A Woman Crushing on a Wednesday? Talk to me, should I keep on hurting to set you free, and that getting no massage is also a massage? No, let me serve another round of you, I’m not ready to look at you, my plate, is dirty but just done with the entree and now open for the main course, let's try again Kiko.